Just had an interaction that reminded me of this.
I was a daycare teacher for 3 years, and I’m a cishet dude. My daycare had a policy in their contract that men were not allowed in the infant room. This had gone unchallenged since the 90s, when it was written. I apparently was the first man to challenge it, and it was entirely by accident. All I did was offer to sub for an infant teacher, not knowing the contract, and this triggered a whole beurocraric thing that resulted in the contract being rewritten.
I know I’m far from the first man to work there. Did every other man who worked there think they were unqualified to change a diaper? To pat a baby to sleep? To feed a little one in a high chair?
And this isn’t even touching on how I got stuck with the 4s because my boss expected me to be scary because I’m a man. I don’t have an aggressive bone in my body. Thankfully they learned that fast.
I also had to deal with plenty of parents who seemed unable to comprehend a man who actually want to be a caregiver. Clearly Mr. Teacher must have ulterior motives! I must be a gay who is trying to corrupt the youth! I must want to abduct children! I have had so many parents try to accuse me of the worst things because they can’t imagine a man who actually likes children.
And so much of this was from the dads. Sir, you have a child! Are you telling you that you don’t want to be around your child? That you are so repulsed by your child that you can’t imagine other men thinking they are pretty neat?
I am not looking forward to seeing other people react to me parenting my own children. I hate how the patriarchy makes men beat down other men. Men should be allowed to want to be dads.
Unfortunately, the far-right has been pushing this idea of traditional gender roles a lot lately, so people who follow the media in that space are constantly flooded with conspiracy theories and made up horror stories. It’s just one of the current favored ways to keep them distracted and their anger aimed away from the real problem makers.
I hate this this happened but I love that you are aware of it. There should be a consciousness around this.
There is. It just mostly exists in spaces that discuss men’s issues, and those tend to be silenced or ignored broadly. It’s gotten better over the years, at least. Still not great, but better.
I’ve steered clear from all online men’s spaces because in my lived experience, they always devolve into ego pits where everyone is trying to one-up the next and they always end up bigoted and hateful.
and they always end up bigoted and hateful.
This is at least in part an effect of where the line is to be counted as bigoted or hateful being drawn very, very differently depending on who is on the receiving end.
Put simply, if you want to blame a man or men for something you can freely blame men generically and do so in as aggressive or vitriolic manner as you please and it probably won’t be seen as hateful or bigoted. If you want to blame a woman or women for something you have to be very careful to carve out a narrow slice and be relatively gentle in what you say about them, or it will be treated as bigoted or hateful. It’s a radically different degree of sensitivity.
If you don’t believe me, next time you see someone doing so, gender flip the text and imagine how people would respond.
Good job OP, I hope the parents will understand something and consciously or unconsciously will change their way of thinking about masculinity (and educating their sons). Even if only one or two families become more aware, you’ll change the world for better.
