Ah good old dissociation, my love
Jesus mate, don’t hit so close to home.
Is there a name for this condition? I think I have some research to do.
It’s the literal definition of clinical depression.
Oh shit.
I worked a job where I had to tell people they’d lost all their data on a near-daily basis. I gradually became very clinical about it, completely without empathy. Not rude, just: “this is what happened and here’s what we can do to fix it.”
It took witnessing a surprising act of genuine compassion from a coworker to spark it in me again. I later thanked him and told me he’d saved me; I don’t think he fully understood the magnitude of the change he inspired.
That’s beautiful.
Trauma, it took years of therapy and years of recovery to get that back
Oh shit is that what’s happened to me?
How can I undo it?
Hobbies and community.
Find something that you want to get better at and do it. A lot. Seeing yourself progress is insurmountable when it comes to getting out of the rut.
As far as community, find a local group or meet up that does something you’re into and join it. Just by interacting with others, it can get you out of your own head.
Therapy helps
But I need money for food, therapy takes that away and then I won’t even have food
If you got social skills, friends work better anyway.
Just can’t be a leech about it and got to help them too.
The budget option is to just find something to care about way too much (caveat: IRL) and make it an all consuming raison d’être. Something real though, like keeping an area clean or helping bees or something.
I like bees, my garden is one of the few on my street that isn’t concrete paved anymore. I spent my first summer living here smashing up the vast majority of it. Now its all green, hopefully the shrubs will continue to grow and looking at planting some opium poppies soon, march-may sowing time for them.
That’s badass, you’re the hero of the hive and a subversive gardener to boot. I would unironically high-five you.
