Don’t touch anything. Leave the area immediately.
Call 911, report the event. Call a lawyer immediately. Right after 911. If there is time I’d notify my immediate family. Ask them to coordinate with the lawyer, and my work, in case I’m not available.
Wait until I have representation before giving a statement to the police. This will be super duper hard to do, but I’ll just keep saying “my lawyer is XXX, I will only make a statement with my lawyer. I’m using my right to remain silent until then”
Have my lawyer contact the next of kin. Work with home owners insurance to iron out any issues.
If not in jail help organize the funeral arrangements with my friends family. Hire biohazard cleaners to clean house, stay outside the house until that’s resolved.
Have a monk or priest come by to bless the house again and put any spirits to rest. (just in case)
why did this play out like the most bitchin suspense thriller in my mind just now?
CSI Transylvania
There’s also an episode of Unsolved Mysteries where people reported spontaneous combustion.
Google or ask on !asklemmy about the price of vampire dust and how to preserve it.
“Would any of the rest of you like to try the garlic canapés with holy water based dressing?”
Scrape the food onto my plate.
Call a paranormal lawyer
“Hey Google, start the Roomba.”
Hopefully they’re easy enough to vacuum out of a carpet…
"God damnit, not again. " Proceeds to get broom and dust pan
I’d probably go to bed because I am clearly not awake and this must be a dream.
I would yell and scream because someone caught on fire in my house
Freak the hell out cuz how the shit are the authorities gonna believe what actually happened?
I would proceed to the kitchen and pour me a whiskey.
