Question : What’s white and goes up? - Answer : A lazy snowflake 😁

What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “gimme a beer and a mop!”

Two hunters walk in the woods when one of them just falls over, apparently dead. His friend calls the emergency services.

Hunter: Help! my friend just fell over and died in the middle of the forest, what do I do?

Emergency operator: Calm down sir. First you have to make sure that he is actually dead.

A gunshot is heard.

Hunter: Ok, now what?

A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what the bear wants. The bear replies, “I’ll have a gin and…tonic.” The bartender looks confused and asks, “what’s with the big pause.” The bear looks at the bartender and says, “well I’m a bear.”

“-IGHT NOW!”

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

“TIME TRAVEL!”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

“R-”

i like to tell this at dinner parties, introduced as ‘the holocaust joke’

jewish guy, gets thrown into a concentration camp. spends years in there… somehow makes it through the entire war alive, saved by the americans at the very end. after the war he migrates to the united states, finds a bride and has a large family. he lives to a very ripe age of 99, and suddenly at his death, finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven.

the jewish man walks through the gates, down a long hall where he can just make out a looming figure at the end. he approaches god himself.

the jewish man says, “god, i’d like to tell you a holocaust joke”

god looks down at the man and in a booming voice says “sir, that is not funny.”

the jewish man says “oh, i guess you had to be there”

Why do Swedes put barcodes on all their ships?

So when they arrive back they can scan da navy in

A man walks into a rooftop bar of a hotel and takes a seat next to a man with several shot glasses and a bottle of tequila in front of him. He’s understandably shocked when the man throws back a shot, walks over to the ledge, and jumps off.

What shocks him even more is that 5 minutes later the man gets off the elevator, sits back down, and pours another shot.

He exclaimed, “How did you survive? I just saw you jump off the ledge!”

The man looks over and says, “I’m going to let you in on a secret. This is magic tequila. After taking a shot and jumping off, you slow down and stop just before hitting the ground. Come see!”

He’s guided to the ledge and watches as the man throws back another shot and jumps. Sure enough, right before hitting the ground, he slows down and stops.

“Well I have to try this,” he exclaimed. He took a shot of the magic tequila, walked up to the edge, and jumped off. Right before he hit the ground… Nothing happened and he hit the ground.

A few minutes later the man gets off the elevator, sits back down, and pours another shot.

The bartender says, “You know, you’re really an asshole when you drink, Superman.”

I’ve got a knock knock joke for you. You go first.

“Knock knock”

Who’s there?

“ … ”

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”

“What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?"

From Futurama when they’re getting dragged down to Atlantis and the professor is like “That’s over 1000 atmospheres of pressure!” and Fry asks him how many atmospheres the ships hull can withstand. “Well, it’s a spaceship, so anywhere between zero and one.”

The past, present, and future walked into a bar.

It was a tense situation.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.