Personally I would have already considered the Thailand girl cheating. Dump his ass.

Confront him.

Have a serious as shit talk.

You sound very caring, but sometimes people need a cold bucket of water in the face. Speaking from experience, he needs one. Discuss the future.

Good partners don’t grow on trees, so of course you want to try and hold on. But if your relationship can’t survive a serious conversation like this, if he isn’t willing to change and get a hair more serious about where things are going, then it’s either already over or you two face a miserable future together.

EDIT: And this goes the other way, too, if there’s anything bothering him.

NTA. You can really break up over anything. There’s no threshold of behaviour and you don’t need to justify to anyone but yourself.

That being said you seem to be doing all of the mental, emotional and actual labor in this relationship. If you are partners there should be an equitable split of tasks. This doesn’t seem that way at all. Unfortunately some men still have this idea that the women in their lives (mom, wives, girlfriends) should do everything for them. He needs to learn that isn’t the case. So either dump him or set an ultimated and if he doesn’t help dump him. It’s not going to get better on it’s own.

Have you considered not sharing a household and/or finances with your partner? I almost blew it with a guy I really love because I tried to maintain a common household and finances the way they work for me while he has other preferences. I stored up a lot of frustration for a while and eventually broke up with him. Then I figured we could just keep our daily lives more separate, and we got together again. We share a lot and help each other out, but each partner gets to experience their personal level of hygiene, order, noise level, pet ownership, time management … the list of things where our preferences are similar, but differ enough to create a grating co-living experience is endless. Also, now when we meet our relationship is in focus and we spend quality time together, instead of randomly guessing whether the other wants interaction. Disclaimer: I prefer my independence to my comfort, so I live very simple and low-cost. The two-households option might not be available when you are paying horrid rents where you live and are not willing to move into a shed, boat, van, tiny house or tent in the woods.

I don’t know what money’s like for you two, but couple’s counseling sounds like it would be useful. Get in a room with a mediator, talk about your feelings, etc.

It could be that you’re doing things and feeling overwhelmed by them, and he literally doesn’t even know you’re doing them. I’m not saying that makes it okay, but it is the kind of thing you’ll talk about in counselling and when you’re talking through your side of the story it might shock him that these things have been going on. And then it’s on him whether or not he changes from that.

One thing that can be a common source of friction between any groups of people is different standards and thresholds. Like, how many dishes is too many dishes. It may be that while you were gone he maintained the kitchen to his standard, which worked fine for him, but that many dishes would be considered unacceptable by your standards. And so in your day to day life, you’re always the one doing dishes because when you walk by the sink you go “I should really do something about this”, and when he walks past it he might not even notice them because there are “barely any”. And then you’ve done something with them, he doesn’t notice that either, and they never get to the level where he’d feel naturally inclined to do anything. This results in you always doing dishes, without him making a conscious choice of “screw her, dishes are her job”

But, figuring that out doesn’t necessarily mean it can be solved. There could be chore rotations, like one might do between roommates, that may work for you or may not, depending on how he feels about this and how you feel about managing that. Neither of you want it to feel like nagging, but clearly waiting for natural impulse to kick in doesn’t work.

So talking through things in a controlled space can make things clearer, and there may be strategies to address these things, but ultimately if coming to meet in the middle isn’t comfortable for either of you, then it may be too much work to maintain a lifestyle together and you might have to make the painful choice to stop trying, for your own health.

If he wanted to change, he would. If he wanted to do his fair share of the household needs, he would. He’s fine with you being a little unhappy and the occasional fight if he can maintain this lifestyle most of the time.

NTA.

My relationships tend not to last, I’m amazed you put up with this for five years including taking a six month break. He doesn’t sound that in to you and that he might leave you for what he sees as a “better deal” when it happens.

While a 25/32 age gap isn’t a big deal, the original 20/27 age gap when you met is a bit suspicious to me, maybe it works for you, maybe it doesn’t. What I do see is that if your youth was one of the reasons he was into you, your youth is fading and he might not hang around for who you become.

I think your issue would be better suited to a relationships discussion group as you’re always allowed to consider leaving a partner without being the asshole. Given the five years investment, if you do still like this guy, you could attempt therapy to establish communication where you get what you need from the relationship.

Your man has ADHD.

His patterns are similar to mine. I do the best I can and fail sometimes.

Sounds like it’s time for some hard conversations.

Also, check out the book “Is it you, me, or ADHD.”

Yeah, that is not a basis for a healthy relationship. Maybe ending the relationship might give him the impulse to change. Maybe you’ll feel the weight lift from your shoulders and wonder why you ever put up with that. In any case you shouldn’t stay in a relationship that costs you more than it gives you. It will just drain you and make you resent your partner. You are still young enough where it’s easy to make big changes. It won’t get easier, when you wait.

I have played so many games with dudes that are not taking care of their kids or not cleaning up their house and I feel bad for their partners.

NTA, makes perfect sense. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting what you want out of the relationship. Either of you, really.

Nothing but red flags.

Stop considering it, just do it. Change is scary, but this relationship is doomed and will only make you miserable.

Imagine raising a child with that guy … he should have figured his shit out by 32.

Bad behaviors don’t improve after marriage. NTA.