I’m sorry for your loss.
You may have had a complicated relationship, but it’s quite clear that your dad tried to be a good dad and a good person, although he failed sometimes in this way or another - but don’t we all from time to time?
When you say that you’ll honor him for the quiet kindness he showed you, it makes me think that crucial parts of your relationship were working well, some things deep down.
I’m glad you appear to be at peace with your life and intend to follow his lead where it matters.

Wow this post makes me feel like I lost him too… I empathize with him and you. That sounds like my grandpa.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

Just wanted to add, sorry for your loss and I hope you can take some comfort in knowing he really wanted to show up for you in some way, regardless of his missteps along the way. He did better than many people do in their lives. That small act of redemption is amazing.

For real, thanks for sharing, and if you ever need to talk or vent to a random internet stranger, please don’t hesitate to send a DM. We’re all here for you, OP.

Sorry for you loss. You did bond, even if you don’t think it was the bond you might have made. Sometimes the best we can take from our parents is to try not to make their mistakes all over again, however it sounds like he got some stuff right. It may take awhile to fully hit you. Sometimes you don’t think you’re going to react to a loss and then out of the blue a month later something miniscule sets you off. Take care of yourself.

I think you’ve done a wonderful job of expressing who he was and who he was to you. Thank you for sharing and I hope you’ll always be able to enjoy some memories of him

Humans are all different people. You remember a dad who was a mean drunk. And who changed when you were 13.

You say that was too old to bond. I disagree. Any age is an acceptable age to bond with someone, if you want to. You developed defense mechanisms, maybe even subconciously, to prevent bonding with an individual whom your brain deemed a threat to hurt you emotionally. You built a blockade.

I say this, because your story is similar in some ways to my story. Yet polar opposites in others.

I grew up in a household where my mom abandoned me when she left my dad. I was 5. My dad was a daily alcoholic to the point that by age 7 I was responsible for rolling him onto his belly (so that if he vomited in his sleep, he wouldn’t choke on his vomit), check his breathing, and checking his pulse. If I couldn’t feel breathing or a pulse, call 911.

The difference I see in your dad vs mine is that my dad is still like this today. I’m 42 now. He lives alone at age 78. Everyday I wake up, look at my phone, and know that there’s always a chance that I’ll have a voicemail that my dad died in his sleep, after drinking too much the night before.

It seems like your father was a good hearted man, trapped behind demons and stress. He went broke trying to be too kind.

Yes, I fully understand the memories you may have of being 6 years old, and beaten with a belt over things that aren’t your fault. But I see your dad as having had a moment of self reflection, and regret. Those are characteristics of a good man. The ability to self reflect, and react to what he sees in the mirror.

13 wasn’t too late to bond. It was just the hurt was too deep. And I get it, but it still sucks.

When my grandmother died at age 103, I was an uncontrollable crying mess. That woman legitimately is was and always will be my hero in life.

When my dad dies? Unless there’s some legal reason I need to be there, I’m not even sure I’ll attend.

My point is, as people, we only have our own perspective to judge life on. It’s easy to think that things are normal, or easy, or hard, or any number of things because it’s all we know. But somewhere, out there in the world is someone else going through the same thing. Someone else going through something completely different.

I never had kids, because when my dad was drunk, which was daily, he’d get mad about (insert whatever happened that day), and he’d scream at me “WHAT IF YOUR KID DID THIS TO YOU??? WOULD YOU LET YOUR KID GET AWAY WITH THIS???” and at the time, I was 6. I had no other perspective to know that wasn’t a normal thing to yell at your own child over trivial things.

And the thing that kept me from ever wanting kids isn’t the idea of “what if your kids did this to you?”. It’s more of the idea of “What if I turn into my dad when I grow up?”

And so, that in a way is a defensive mechanism of my own. I watched growing up both parents not love me. It never scared me what they could do to me. It terrified me what I could do to myself or my own kid. Because I’m WAAAAAAY more violent than either of them ever were. My dad would beat me with a belt because in his mind it was being a good parent. Whereas I threw kids down the concrete stairs, and then jumped onto them from 1 story above, because I thought it was fun.

Then when I got older, those words kept ringing in my head. I could see my dads bloodshot eyes, as he screamed those words, with equal parts of him trying to convey dominance, and looking for pity.

And it made me wonder. What WOULD I do to/with/for my kids if they act up? And I don’t want to be my father. I don’t want to be so drunk I don’t remember my actions the next day. I don’t want to beat a childs ass until it’s purple. But I also don’t know what I should do instead.

And that’s when I realized the truth. I wasn’t raised in an environment supported by love. I wasn’t shown what love looked like. I don’t know what a healthy parent relationship looks like. So maybe I’m not the guy who should have kids. Maybe I shouldn’t date. All I would do is bring her down. All I would do is fuck up my own kids lives. Maybe I should just be alone.

And that’s the different road traveled. Your dad went out of his way to try to be a good dad, and failed at times, but good intentions were still there. Even if he never told you, I’m sure there were times when you were 16, doing stupid teenager shit, that he watched and thought ashamed of years past. It’s hard for men to admit they have regrets. It sounds like he regretted his past, but never was allowed back in to bond with you.

Usually this is the part where I say to reach out to your dad, and even in adulthood connect to bond. No age is too late for that. But given the title of this thread, I guess there is one age that is too late. So I guess if nothing else, if you have kids, now or later in life, you can at least learn from life. Don’t be your dad, wishing he could connect, but too proud to admit it. Invest time in what your kids like. If thats minecraft, build a base, and go mining with them. If they like baseball, take them to a game. Whatever their interests are.

And as for today, I want you to get a sheet of paper. Write a letter to your dad. Thats what I did the night my grandma died. I still write her letters for her birthday. Christmas. Thanksgiving. Easter. It seems to work out to be about once a month. Not saying you need to do it that often. But I find it comforts me, so I do it more often.

Just write one letter to him. Tell him all your frustrations. Tell him your dreams. Tell him everything you feel was a barrier between you two. Clear the air. This will allow you to forgive him, and forgive yourself. I don’t know for what. I don’t know the specifics. We all have different things we hold onto. And it sounds like both of you held onto things that kept you apart, yet still loved each other.

I suggest you set the intention to connect with him in your dreams. When he shows up, keep an open mind. There are thousands of near death experiences (NDEs), which strongly suggest that the death of the body is not the end. I have connected occasionally with two of my friends who have passed. I wish I could do it more often and more consciously. One thing I noticed with of them in my dreams was a very exuberant and joyous smile. This is what peace looks like.

Your dad sounds like a man who realized the error of his ways. Nobody is perfect and it sounds like he tried the best he knew how to correct his ways. It also sounds like you’ll miss him even after the complicated relationship. If people really have souls, I hope his is at peace. I’m sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. Definitely raised a a well rounded individual.

This post really hits.

My parents divorced when I was young and my only saw my father twice afterwards.

He died 2 years ago and I have never been sure how to feel.

I most often feel sad because I always felt I missed out on a lot of “Dad stuff” growing up. Not to mention we were dirt poor and constantly struggling to make ends meet.

My older brother tried to force me to reconnect with him, or at least talk when I was much older and had my own family. I always felt resentful then, because I didn’t think he deserved to benefit from a relationship with me since he didn’t put in the effort when it mattered. I am not sure if I was right or wrong.

My wife’s father passed away later the same year. I was definitely much closer to him and was very upset when he passed. He was also struggling with his health and her parents had zero savings as well.

This post makes me sad, thinking of people who worked hard and kept trying even when they make mistakes, but have a terrible time in old age.

2008… that really was the beginning of the end. Wealth is just used to accumulate more wealth, making things worse and worse for those who are locked outside the system.

Your father sounds human and made some bad mistakes, but also sounds like he really tried to do the right thing and while he may have waited to long to fix his relationship with you, he didn’t wait too long to at least salvage something.

I am sorry for your loss, not just your father’s death but the relationship you lost with them when you were so young.

I appreciated you sharing that with us.

I’m grateful you shared this and I hope you find comfort as you process your loss.

Hearing someone as thoughtful as you sharing the end of a father’s life really helped to frame the life of my own Dad who has really surprised me with his recent attempts to mend his many mistakes.

This story really motivated me to give him a visit.

My condolences for your loss. He sounds like he had some rough edges and made some regrettable mistakes and choices, but ultimately had a good heart. I’m sure he would be happy that you appreciate him for what he was, good and bad, even if you’re feelings are complicated. I can’t speak for him, but this post demonstrates that his child turned out to be thoughtful about others, thankful for what they were given, a realist, and learned from the examples he set, for better or worse.

I’d bet he felt proud of the person you have become, if he never said it. For what it’s worth, as a father, I’m proud of you for it on his behalf.

Damn I hate to think about the eventual day that mom dies…

I sometimes wanna reverse time and be her child again…

Perhaps I could be a less shitty child we’d have more wholesome moments…

Your post would make a lovely eulogy for a man whom you clearly showed deep respect and admiration for. Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us, complete strangers.