I think every minority has this same basic experience. It’s something that really lowers your expectations of others, whether they’re friends, strangers or new aquaintances etc. They might be on your side, but the extent to which they will really invest in understanding or fighting by your side varies really broadly. It makes you hesitant to lean on anyone, even when they signal that expectation.
That’s the value of intersectional study; finding out the overlap of basic rights we all need so minorities can form larger groups to defend eachother even if it’s not all the exact same experience.
I’ve found it’s easier on your own mental health to look at it as just a practicality that needs to be worked around and have an attitude of “I’ll take what I can get” in regards to support.
People aren’t bad people for not being as cognizant all the time of everything that effects groups they’re not part of, we all have our own lives and worries. It’s better for your own self to have some grace about it and to not take it personally when people are flakey or get distracted by other issues, always better that then the alternative.
Look I get by fine. I have just learned to massively lower my expectations of people. I accept that many of my friends will still help me as a human, even if push came to shove, they’d let me die as a queer person rather than stepping up.
People aren’t bad people for not being as cognizant all the time of everything that effects groups they’re not part of
Let me be clear though, I’m not upset by ignorance. I mean I am but that’s not what I am talking about here. I’m upset by disbelief and denial of experiences. I get along with people and my friends usually consider me decently knowledgeable and trustworthy about the things I’m interested in.
But if I talk about trans issues? They cannot believe me. I must be wrong. And if they are things I personally experience? Well I must just have imagined that or I must be exaggerating or I must be misunderstanding something. I cannot have experienced the things I say I have. And if I say something hurts me, I can get told by friends that actually no, it doesn’t hurt me, they know better.
I know a lot of people would just say “get better friends” and I do and I have. But honestly, most cis or straight people I meet do this to some extent or another. Queer experiences threaten their worldview, trans experiences threaten a cis worldview. So those experiences simply can not be believed without mitigation.
can relate. it’s like they’re saying, “you’re wrong, you just don’t know it yet” - it feels super condescending and patronizing, especially when it comes from loved ones.
there is hope though. years ago, if i brought up anything to do with gender identity or sexual orientation, my family would be all like, nonono we don’t wanna hear about what you do and who you do it with (i’m ace LOL). over the years, they started to see that my queerness doesn’t change who i am (they also thought “queer” was a slur, until i used it to describe myself). also when i spend time with friends, they see and experience the little bits of prejudice that i face day-to-day. the more time they spend with me, the harder it becomes to ignore/refuse. there’s been a few memorable moments with friends, when they ask me quietly, “did that just happen? are you okay?” and that’s when i know they understand what i’ve been saying all this time.
when they ask me quietly, “did that just happen? are you okay?” and that’s when i know they understand what i’ve been saying all this time.
I think this right here is what’s so surprising about being trans in the US. One trans person, even in a group with non-trans people, will get slurs yelled at them on the street and harassed in the presence of others.
For many minority folks, being with others erases that part of your identity from that kind of attention. If you’re walking by yourself and a woman, you’re way more likely to get cat called than in a group that also has men. If you’re black, you probably won’t get the n word if you’re walking with a group of white people.
I’ve often wondered just what it is about being trans that makes people feel like open criticism and slurs are okay, no matter who is around. Is it that socially we haven’t decided that it’s not okay to yell slurs at trans people yet, and it’s purely a matter of how new of a concept it is to most people? Is it because of the incessant attacks by the right and how we tolerate open discussions questioning their humanity? I’m not sure but it’s certainly sitting in a weird place right now, and I wish people would grow up and see fellow humans as humans first, before looking at their identities.
I think it’s relative to the unfortunately common belief that trans ppl are constantly rubbing their existences in our faces. Why must we accept neo-pronouns? Why do they expect me to change my worldview to accept their existence?
I feel that there’s a somewhat threatening social expectation that a trans person should conform to existing gender norms and expectations. I’ve had many discussions with friends about “passing”. In certain parts of the world, passing is necessary for survival. They’re not doing it because they want to, but because they have to.
A non-binary friend recently told me that they were described by friends as a “social chameleon”, and eventually it became something that they resented about themselves. They ended up distancing themselves from those friends so that they could rediscover their sense of social identity.
With that said, I think the brazen public displays of aggression that we see towards trans folk come from people who believe that the general public agree with their views. I believe that if we speak up and call that shit out when we see it, they will begin to realize that actually no, not everyone agrees with them. Unfortunately I think most people are scared to speak up about that, and it’s easier to just turn a blind eye to it.
I think every minority has this same basic experience. It’s something that really lowers your expectations of others, whether they’re friends, strangers or new aquaintances etc. They might be on your side, but the extent to which they will really invest in understanding or fighting by your side varies really broadly. It makes you hesitant to lean on anyone, even when they signal that expectation.
That’s the value of intersectional study; finding out the overlap of basic rights we all need so minorities can form larger groups to defend eachother even if it’s not all the exact same experience.
100%. It really does wear one down, make one bitter and distrustful after a while. Even of people one otherwise would get along great with.
I’ve found it’s easier on your own mental health to look at it as just a practicality that needs to be worked around and have an attitude of “I’ll take what I can get” in regards to support.
People aren’t bad people for not being as cognizant all the time of everything that effects groups they’re not part of, we all have our own lives and worries. It’s better for your own self to have some grace about it and to not take it personally when people are flakey or get distracted by other issues, always better that then the alternative.
Look I get by fine. I have just learned to massively lower my expectations of people. I accept that many of my friends will still help me as a human, even if push came to shove, they’d let me die as a queer person rather than stepping up.
Let me be clear though, I’m not upset by ignorance. I mean I am but that’s not what I am talking about here. I’m upset by disbelief and denial of experiences. I get along with people and my friends usually consider me decently knowledgeable and trustworthy about the things I’m interested in.
But if I talk about trans issues? They cannot believe me. I must be wrong. And if they are things I personally experience? Well I must just have imagined that or I must be exaggerating or I must be misunderstanding something. I cannot have experienced the things I say I have. And if I say something hurts me, I can get told by friends that actually no, it doesn’t hurt me, they know better.
I know a lot of people would just say “get better friends” and I do and I have. But honestly, most cis or straight people I meet do this to some extent or another. Queer experiences threaten their worldview, trans experiences threaten a cis worldview. So those experiences simply can not be believed without mitigation.
can relate. it’s like they’re saying, “you’re wrong, you just don’t know it yet” - it feels super condescending and patronizing, especially when it comes from loved ones.
there is hope though. years ago, if i brought up anything to do with gender identity or sexual orientation, my family would be all like, nonono we don’t wanna hear about what you do and who you do it with (i’m ace LOL). over the years, they started to see that my queerness doesn’t change who i am (they also thought “queer” was a slur, until i used it to describe myself). also when i spend time with friends, they see and experience the little bits of prejudice that i face day-to-day. the more time they spend with me, the harder it becomes to ignore/refuse. there’s been a few memorable moments with friends, when they ask me quietly, “did that just happen? are you okay?” and that’s when i know they understand what i’ve been saying all this time.
I think this right here is what’s so surprising about being trans in the US. One trans person, even in a group with non-trans people, will get slurs yelled at them on the street and harassed in the presence of others.
For many minority folks, being with others erases that part of your identity from that kind of attention. If you’re walking by yourself and a woman, you’re way more likely to get cat called than in a group that also has men. If you’re black, you probably won’t get the n word if you’re walking with a group of white people.
I’ve often wondered just what it is about being trans that makes people feel like open criticism and slurs are okay, no matter who is around. Is it that socially we haven’t decided that it’s not okay to yell slurs at trans people yet, and it’s purely a matter of how new of a concept it is to most people? Is it because of the incessant attacks by the right and how we tolerate open discussions questioning their humanity? I’m not sure but it’s certainly sitting in a weird place right now, and I wish people would grow up and see fellow humans as humans first, before looking at their identities.
I think it’s relative to the unfortunately common belief that trans ppl are constantly rubbing their existences in our faces. Why must we accept neo-pronouns? Why do they expect me to change my worldview to accept their existence?
I feel that there’s a somewhat threatening social expectation that a trans person should conform to existing gender norms and expectations. I’ve had many discussions with friends about “passing”. In certain parts of the world, passing is necessary for survival. They’re not doing it because they want to, but because they have to.
A non-binary friend recently told me that they were described by friends as a “social chameleon”, and eventually it became something that they resented about themselves. They ended up distancing themselves from those friends so that they could rediscover their sense of social identity.
With that said, I think the brazen public displays of aggression that we see towards trans folk come from people who believe that the general public agree with their views. I believe that if we speak up and call that shit out when we see it, they will begin to realize that actually no, not everyone agrees with them. Unfortunately I think most people are scared to speak up about that, and it’s easier to just turn a blind eye to it.