You walk into the office kitchen to heat up your lunch and are greeted by a mess. Your co-worker Bridget has left the communal area in disarray — again.
You’re frustrated. Where do you go from here?
Do you shame Bridget and make her feel bad? That might make you feel righteous in the moment, but is that actually helpful? Are you helping to improve your workplace — and most important, ensuring a clean kitchen the next time — by unloading on her? What’s the end goal here?
This is a hypothetical scenario, one used frequently by business etiquette trainer Kate Zabriskie as she helps office workers and managers think through best practices for harmonious and productive workplaces. But workers throughout the U.S. are dealing with their own Bridgets every day — or are one.
As companies increasingly recall workers to the office, employees and managers alike are finding that the pandemic made us all a little rusty with in-person conduct. Co-workers are too loud at their desks. People are on their phones during meetings. Shaking hands is no longer a given. Small talk at networking events is … awkward.
Bosses’ solution to this stilted behavior? Charm school.
The corporate reeducation camp is more of a trial, as I bet they won’t be continuing if they don’t meet the “charm” quota.
For more, we turn to the countryside, into a field of green, where cubacles have been placed inside a pen.
The blue-collar employee, lead with a leash by his HR representative, has a fairly nicely trimmed mane, a red tie and nondescript office wear. All around, conforming to the standards of the breed.
The judges check him for discrepancies, feeling his throat to check his pulse, cupping his balls for a testosterone check and asking questions to illicit corporate talking points. The judges confirm that the employee is acceptable.
The employee is let into the pin where the cubicles are situated. The new-age motivational speaker troupe encircles the cubicles, to distract the employee in case the employee becomes feral. Don’t worry, they can always hide in their barrels.
As the employee wanders slowly into the cubicle, he is met by the office bull. A rotund man who constantly has a coffee in hand and a quip at the ready. They square off.
Now we see who can bellow the most authentic fake laughter while instinctually performing watercooler banter, a form of peacocking. But wait, the bull dazes the employee with an off-collar mysoginist joke. The employee staggers.
Now it’s up to the employee to respond in a way that impresses the bull - and the judges…
The employee responds with a “uhm, yeah… okay” - and the judges press the buzzer.
The HR rep looks very disappointed indeed, as he fetches the employee from the pen. This will have an effect on the rest of the HR rep’s season, and indeed, if he gets to continue into the next season. Perhaps the employee is not as breedable as imagined and also needs to seek employment at a glue factory.
Come back next time for the exexutive wrestling tournament. This has been Chet Fizbee, reporting from the Badminton Corporate Trials.
That was beautiful.