A complaint is a statement that there is a problem.

There really are a lot of people who think it’s in general wrong/unpleasant/to be avoided, to say anything negative ever. Only positive, mood-building statements are socially acceptable. This seems to be a regional thing and quite controversial; look up “toxic positivity”.

From your description it could be your friend is in that camp but I doubt it; sounds to me more like your friend might mean something anywhere along the line from, “you say no to activities when I want you to say yes” through “I’m surprised how often you’re tired” to “you seem tired more often than is healthy; something is wrong”

Despite the specific choice of words, they could very easily just mean you “say/reply” that you are tired alot. Most people don’t use words as literally as we do, and don’t try to find the exact word to convey what they specifically mean in the instance.

Their focus is more on how consistently you are tired when they want to hang out with you, not that you are “complaining” about it.

It might be worth expanding on why and when you are tired, and what times or situations you would be less likely to be tired in/at.

NT people also will generally use “tired” as a generic excuse and not specifically mean they don’t have the physical/mental energy to enjoy that activity currently. So they might be interpreting your use of it through that lens as well.

It is pretty tough to figure out what they mean sometimes since words are only a small part of their communication, there is usually much more context to how they said it, or what they were doing with the rest of their body when they said it.

Over time, and with practice, NT people get better at communicating with us, and we get better at communicating with them. But by default there can be alot of miscommunication. And most NT people don’t like the sorts of long winded explanations we like to expound to make sure we have communicated effectively, rather than having lost something in the translation.

It might be best to ask them as casually as possible for a bit more information. Sometimes if they are in the mood for it, they will be ok with awkward exchanges like that. And if you want them to be a long-term friend, and they also want to be a long-term friend of yours, talks like that might help.

Great answers already!

Touching another point: when you hear “always” it could be literally about the frequency. Saying “I’m tired not this evening” will be perceived as a complaint when it’s the sixths night in a row for example.

The social clues are hard to spot I admit: often, “how are you” for example only has very few socially acceptable answers. That depends on your country and social environment though.

If you have a close friend within that group I recommend just asking them! Showing that you are conscious of their feedback will most likely be very well received.

I love that you’re learning and listening!

Good luck, friend :)

“being tired” is a legitimate reason to not want to hang out, it is also an easy excuse with no descernable evidence. Used once it’s believable, used lots of times it starts to “feel” like a fake excuse or even a lie.

If your friend thinks you complain about being tired a lot, they are (very likely) trying to say that you’re not putting the effort into the friendship they believe they deserve out if you.

As has been said in other comments, it might help to give examples of times where you’ll be less tired. Or just invite that friend out at those times.

A friendship dies take effort from both people to maintain. Breaking your cosy sofa time is effort, but if the friend means enough to you then you will sometimes make that effort to see them.

Your roommate was probably just exchanging pleasantries, and the appropriate response would be a short, positive answer and an ask in return. Personally I think it’s dumb to ask how people are if you don’t want an honest answer, but it’s just one of those things neurotypicals say when they mean another. If it makes you uncomfortable to say you’re good when you’re not, you could just ignore the ‘how are you’ part and respond something like “hey man, how’s it going?” or “good to see you; how are you doing?”

So I’m going to answer very literally because, well, look where we are: a complaint is simply a type of statement, and it’s a necessary part of healthy communication.

If you say you’re tired, and you mean it as something you wish weren’t true, then that’s a kind of complaint.

But also, I think our society has maligned the concept of a complaint and loaded it with baggage that it doesn’t deserve. I think “stop complaining” is weaponised by people in power to prevent having to address people’s needs, because “my needs aren’t met” is a kind of complaint. It just also happens to be absolutely necessary to complain of something in order to fix the problem. This negative attitude towards complaint gets internalised by everyone to some degree.

So your friend might have some of these attitudes without understanding that they are problematic.

Also, you might be tired a lot, particularly of going out, because having to mask is a pretty big burden. If you can explain this to your friend and they can accept it, it might help you develop some kind of shorthand for the issue so you don’t feel like you have to justify it in their terms from first principles every time. Maybe you can get some help from them, maybe they can find ways to reduce the burden, like maybe they can interact with cashiers for you, or something like that, or they can simply adjust their expectations of how much or how often you want to spend time out of the house.

I think some of the comments here are missing a really important point - existing in a NT world is exhausting and it’s valid and important for you to be tired and want to rest. Personally, I try to only have people around me who understand that, I see no point getting stressed about complying with “social expectations” and what someone else thinks of my needs.

(and to be clear, of curse there is room for compromise and communication, but if after explaining the other person still doesn’t get that you need more downtime and that you’re not complaining but rather stating matter of fact, and they keep taking it personally and making it about them, are they really accepting you for who you are? Isn’t that what friendship should be?)

A complaint is just a statement of something being wrong. It sounds like your friend might be concerned with your health. Being tired all the time isn’t good.

But also, are you tired? Or are you avoiding socialization because it’s too difficult? Or some other thing? Being honest with them and yourself about the real reason you don’t want to go can help.

Asking if you want to do something, like going out, is something that takes some effort for your friend and is something they do because they want to be doing these things with you. When you reply ‘no, I’m tired’, it is a statement, but if this happens a lot, I think your friend may get a bit upset. Their effort of asking was for nothing, and they did not get to do the things that they wanted to do with you. They may not actually think you explicitly complain about being tired, but rather it is a reaction to their frustration of not getting what they want (regarding this issue) out of the friendship with you. Does that make sense?

A complaint is a statement with an included accusation/blame.

In your example the difference would be in the reason you’re tired. If you’re tired because you did something for them (even if not obvious; e.g. beeing “forced” into social interaction etc. does count) and you therefore see the reason for your tiredness related to your friend: yep, that’s a complaint

“Nah, you already forced me i to beeing tired. I don’t want to be more tired”

If you are just tired because you had a rough day, then it’s just a statement