Someone asked this on Quora: “I learn very quickly by asking questions. Is it acceptable to interrupt someone during a conversation to gain more clarity on a topic?” Which I relate to a lot.
Someone answered this: “Yes , it is very rude to do because maybe on a little further into conversation your question may be answered and if not then , make a mental note of it and as soon as you see an opening in the conversation - circle back to the point in the where your question fits in and ask it . Interupting someon while they are talking can cause that person to lose sight of they were want say and what thier point was going to be .”
But this doesn’t seem to always work for me, and I must say it depends on the person you’re talking to and the situation.
- Sometimes if someone misunderstands something you said or that has happened or gets a fact wrong, they can end up going on a pointless/misguided tangent in the conversation and even can start getting progressively angrier on their own without you even saying anything, whereas if you interrupt and clarify the misunderstanding that can help to calm them down in certain cases, and to course-correct the conversation to make it more productive and reasonable.
- Sometimes they never allow you a chance to speak at all, talk for ages on their own, and then simply exit the conversation before you would have any ability to respond to specific things they said earlier.
- If they say so many things you want to respond to, it can add up to a lot, and you may not be able to ever get through them if you can’t respond to them as they come up.
- Making a mental note is often impossible for me, I frequently forget and need to address something immediately in order to remember it, unless I can pause the conversation to make a physical or digital note (can’t focus on what they’re saying while writing it) which people would probably find even more rude either way.
I’ve also seen lots of debaters, journalists and interviewers interrupting people as their standard method or style of dialogue, and it seems to work for them (sometimes people get annoyed at them, sometimes they don’t and often do the same thing), so I don’t know.
I would appreciate if anyone has any literature on why it may be acceptable to interrupt sometimes or perhaps a recognised style of communication that allows this, as well as any speakers who defend this practice and debates about the topic itself.
Thanks
It’s cultural. I’ve experienced many times accidentally making others uncomfortable with my silence during a conversation. That specific phenomena is known in linguistics as backchanneling (see also: the Japanese art of aizuchi)
Much like backchanneling, some cultures demand interruptions while others look down upon it. It’s important that we don’t overly invest ourselves in the virtues or lack thereof lest we accidentally wander into the territory of cultural imperialism. Sometimes things are the way they are just because and you have to roll with it as best you can.
Making a mental note is often impossible for me, I frequently forget and need to address something immediately in order to remember it, unless I can pause the conversation to make a physical or digital note (can’t focus on what they’re saying while writing it) which people would probably find even more rude either way.
I sympathize as a person with (catastrophic) ADHD. Trying to hold in a thought feels like smothering it. The concept of a “mental note” feels like some sort of cruel joke – my working memory is 6 words long and people expect me to somehow hold a question in there without tuning out the rest of the conversation? Agonizing!
Even so, I try (and frequently fail) to behave as expected. I find that most people can come to appreciate the effort once they get to know you and your shortcomings. Never forget that people are not monuments; if you mean well and try your best others will bend the rules for you.
I didn’t knew it was culturally dependent, but thank you for sharing! It is very interesting.
I don’t know how to deal with it with 99% of people, but between my wife and I we have a system. When someone is talking and the other has a response they want to say to something, they hold up their finger. The speaker then wraps up their thought and gives the other person room to speak. It isn’t foolproof but it helps a lot. We both have the problems you’re describing otherwise / we still have those problems, but it’s better than otherwise.
In a social convo I’d make a similar gesture with my hands / fingers. Hard to describe, but something like I’ve just woken up and I must say something right now? Kind of motion.
Then I’ll apologise then quickly ask the question.
Just like most human interaction, it’s situational and the rules to how to do it are very context based as well. There are proper ways, and acceptable reasons to interrupt in specific scenarios. In formal structured settings it leans on almost always inappropriate. On informal and intimate exchanges it’s perfectly acceptable but rules to how, when, to whom and why are nuanced and unwritten. Every social group will have their own by laws as well. Observe any human gathering and you will notice them interrupting each other all the time. Ask those same people whether it’s acceptable to interrupt others and they will naïvely mostly answer that it isn’t. Thus is the nature of human communication.
Interrupting is the crude mode of operations. If time isn’t an issue, and the other person is understood to be trying to say something, I never interrupt someone. If a statement or question is “dumb”, I give the benefit of the doubt, because it doesn’t take away from there being an answer. If it’s a loaded one or uses a literary device, I have no issue deconstructing it. As for if it’s an attack on me, would interrupting help?
You have stumbled onto one of lives true mysteries, i an unsure if wel ever know the answer.
On a very serious note, every point you made I encounter all the time, people going on misguided tangents, mental notes getting chaotic quickly…
Worst is when i do get to ask a question but its interpreted as a different question so now i get a long answer for something i didn’t ask and often info i already knew.
The catch is i know why I encounter this all the time and that’s because i am certified Add/autist…
What that means for you i have no clue, only real advice i have (for professional setting) is make it clear you want important information in writing.
Writings can be read om your own time, can be thought trough, easily circle back and forth to summarize a list of questions you still have at the end which can simply be mailed back.
It doesn’t solve the live social dynamic but effectively circumvents it if coworkers acknowledge that miscommunication causes routine issues.
Well I personally see it as a situation thing, in some cases where you know the person well and you know they are OK with you interrupting, that’s fine. But in most situations I see it as very rude to interrupt people while they are talking.
I’m an introvert and most of the time I just sit and listen. I often find when I talk that people will just start talking over me or interrupt. I guess I don’t have a very forceful voice, but I’m always put off by it and so I tend to withdraw and then kind of resent it.
I personally prefer to finish my thought and THEN have someone ask me a clarifying question or a comment about it.
