It’s funny because I’m all “paraphiliacs are valid!” and “I will defend this community to my last breath!” and “thought crimes aren’t real!” and “having a paraphilia is not a moral failure and you’re not evil!” UNTIL IT COMES TO ME ACTUALLY HAVING A PARAPHILIA. Then it’s “LMAO you’re the scum of the earth for daring to experience sexual attraction toward an animal in any capacity even if it’s self-directed.”

How do I make that stop? I have no idea how to accept myself. I feel like if I had other autozoos to talk to (like on Tumblr or something) I’d feel a bit better but goddamn. Being both aroace and a paraphiliac feels like I’m an insult to both communities. I feel icky experiencing this attraction. I feel like it’s a bad idea to cope with TF art because that would be the last nail in the coffin for the fetish accusations against me. I’d RP but it would be seen as “grooming.” I’m entirely fucking lost.

I’m normally so open about myself and am all for living out of spite, but for the first time I’m paralyzed. I thought I was entirely free from the shackles of puritanism, but evidently it’s different when you’re trying to accept yourself and not others.

I think this is my final black space door so to speak - the final intrusive thought to overcome. But I don’t know if I can do it alone.