Very glad to have found this subculture/community. I’ve actually been thinking about how non-humanity/voidness relates to us as a system and to me in my own spiritual journey, and I guess I’m gonna use this space to excrete some thoughts. Consider this a stream of consciousness.

The brutality we faced as a chronological kid up to the present in relation to our (neuro)queerness caused us not only to develop DID, but we apparently internalized it to such a degree that all but one of our current alters (that we know of) are non-human.

I identify with the body, and it took quite a long time for me to realize our DID, so in addition to discovering that I am symbolically represented as a non-human in our inner world, I also came to internalize my monstrousness as a map.

This latter move was very much conscious, if involuntary. I was used to being hated as a chronological youth because I deliberately sabotaged any potential friendships. I didn’t want to be close to others and I didn’t want others to be close to me. But I knew that, on the inside, I could be sure I was good, and that someday, when things were better, my goodness would be valued and recognized. And for a brief moment, I thought I had succeeded, only a handful of years ago.

Then I came out as a map, and suddenly it didn’t matter what I thought or what I did or what politics I fought for. I was dangerous, sick, not human. I was no longer a person with agency, but a force to be feared, fundamentally obscure, hostile, cthonic. I suppose it isn’t even clear that what I represent can be stopped, as there is no clear political struggle against me, only reaction. Like an eldritch horror, I am only capable of evoking terror and revulsion in the sane, and my acolytes are the insane, lost, lustful libertines who can no more relate to society than I can represent its future.

That’s when I started kinning the eldritch abyss itself. Even if I wanted to be, I’m not human. But if I am not constrained by the bounds of the human, I am free to be something that breaks the limits of humanity. If my simple nature strikes terror into humanity, so be it. My world is beyond anything they’re capable of imagining and I will live my world because I am incapable of anything else. I don’t want domination and limitation; I am libertinage, chaos and mania.