About Last Week I am in a quandary. A quarry quandary, if you will. Every year since at least 2015, we have designated a team as The Rock following the games of Week 1. The one year we failed to do so was 2020. And we saw how that went. This is serious business. The Rock has never had a formal definition or set of criteria. It’s a vibes thing. It is not given to worst team. It is given to the most Rock team. In a football sense, it’s typically been a team that plays decent defense and minimal offense. It goes to a team that feels like it has the potential to cause some damage, but stubbornly resists any efforts to move in that direction. It’s going to stay exactly where it is, and there’s nothing you can do about it. The Rock itself is a boulder in Mamallapuram on the southeast coast of India near Chennai. Its original name was Vaan Irai Kal (Tamil for “Stone of the Sky Gods”), but in 1969 Indira Gandhi gave it the name for which it is better known: “Krishna’s Butterball.” It turns out, officials have been trying to get that sumbitch to roll down that hill since at least the year 630. It looks dangerous, like it could take off at any second and start crashing through the nearby townsfolk in cartoonish horror. So for 14 centuries, men of power and means have tried to remove it. But despite looking like it could go at aaaaaaany moment, it stubbornly refuses. It will roll when it is good and ready, and not a moment before. So, Iowa. We’re basically talking about Iowa. But Iowa is not on the 2023 schedule. And usually, like the new Dread Pirate Roberts, each year’s Rock has felt like the natural successor to the prior Rock. But this year, there are no fewer than four worthy contenders: Rutgers, Nebraska, Minnesota, and Indiana. (Interestingly, those four teams are Michigan’s first four conference opponents. That’s four straight opponents who seem utterly disinclined to try a single goddang thing on the football field. Complaints about Michigan’s non-conference schedule are valid, but this part is not Michigan’s fault. Most of Michigan’s slate of conference opponents is BAD this year. Forget playing *good* teams. They don’t play a single *interesting* team until November.) I just don’t know that can make the call yet. And, for what it’s worth, the Internet is similarly divided. So, don’t be alarmed, but in violation of all protocols and spitting in the face of all the vengeful football deities, we’re going to hold off one week before we designate a Rock. What I’m saying is, if we lose to UNLV, it is all my fault. The Road Ahead UNLV (1-0, 0-0 MWC) Last week: Beat Bryant 44-14 Recap: I don’t know what a Bryant is. If you said to me right now, “I have placed a large chest of jewels and other assorted valuables at the 50 yard line of Bryant’s stadium that are yours for the taking”… well, I would Google “Where Bryant Football Stadium” because it’s 2023 and I’m not an idiot, but the point is that I would have to Google it. But whatever/wherever Bryant is, they were 30 points worse than UNLV, which tells me a lot about Bryant. This team is as frightening as: Playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with a 6-year-old. Yes, you’re going to have to put up some points to win. But that doesn’t mean there’s a lot of mystery in how to put up those points, nor that the outcome is particularly in doubt. Fear Level = 2 Michigan should worry about: Ricky White only caught 2 balls for 5 yards. That means he’s rested. Michigan can sleep soundly about: UNLV was outgained by Bryant, surrendering 5.8 yards per play in the process. UNLV Starter Doug Brumfeld threw for only 4.8 YPA with no TDs and one pick against the /Googles/ Bulldogs. Michigan has traditionally, at least by most metrics, been a more formidable opponent than Bryant. When they play Michigan: Look, I get it. Just shut up and eat your football. Next game: @ Michigan, 3:30 p.m., CBS (UNLV +37) [AFTER THE JUMP: a whole lotta nada]