Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
Oh I meant touch screen. In my experience they do work out of the box, but not quite in the way I expect is all. I’m already dual booting so I could easily test out that stuff.