Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
Keep a small Windows partition in the event that you play any of those games with anti-cheat that don’t allow Linux.
Otherwise, almost everything else just works with Proton. It’s a lovely age.