I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible but it’s really hard.
Me and my bf have been talking since end of November so it hasn’t been that long but we got really attached to each other. I always had guys talk to me only for sexual stuff so it took me a long time to believe he actually cared for me for anything besides that. He is the best guy and most caring one I’ve ever met. During the begininning (when I was unsure of what we were) this was the first month, he asked me my body count, I got so scared and threw a fake number at him to see how he would react. He was so upset and was crying and I felt guilty and then told him the actual number and was even more upset but then was fine after a day or so. I felt horrible. After awhile I was still unsure of what we were (we’re 7 hours away drive) and was asking him “what are you talking to me for? What do you want from me?” And he never said boyfriend girlfriend but he said he can’t tell me exactly because he doesn’t know what can happen in the future with his work and all of that. He was scared of telling me something and then me possibly being affected by it a year from now… anyways, then I started feeling it was official. I have TikTok and have had some people say they’d send me money to chat (I know it’s dumb). I told my boyfriend if he would be okay with it as I was not sending anything of myself and he said yes. I was messaging one guy and he wanted nudes so I sent the fake nudes (my bf knew) and then instead of sending money he sent me nudes back and I was so grossed out and told him this isn’t the payment he said and then we argued and I blocked. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the nudes he sent. Moving on, another guy sent me money for doing nothing, just talking about our day and then my boyfriend said he’s not fine with it unless they are sending money through go fund me link (which I understand because he doesn’t like the attention aspect behind it). I said okay and I blocked him. I did request more money via email because I was dumb but never added back and only requested the one time the day after. I feel so stupid for this. On TikTok someone said they’d send money on go fund me if I give them my Instagram first. I thought nothing of it, I thought I’d give it, get them to send, and just remove. But then they sent a dick photo out of nowhere and I blocked. I felt so guilty and couldn’t stop crying. I told my boyfriend this and he was so heartbroken that I lied. That I gave my instagram out for money. Which I understand. And I told him that the first guy also sent dick stuff and he got more upset. He needed space and we were both in a rlly dark time. We decided to talk about it in person. By the time we were gonna meet, we were begininning to talk to each other more normally and he would make jokes that he made before (sexual and regular) and I guess I got my hopes high for thinking it’ll go back to the same
We met up on Thursday night to friday. When I got to the hotel we hugged for a long time and I told him I want to talk about it but he said he wanted to enjoy the night and he didn’t know what to say. I insisted multiple times but nope. We enjoyed the night and we did everything we usually do. The next day was also fine until I noticed he looked upset and that’s when it all came up. We cried a lot, hugged a lot. And I guess he just can’t trust me the same and he’s scared he’s going to invest more feelings and end up being more hurt. I feel so bad for my dumb actions and how it made him feel. I don’t know what to do.
I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me. I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay? We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt. I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.
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But ur not reading the part where I texted old men for money? I am so mad at myself. I ruined him and us. I genuinely can’t stop crying. I’m trying to win him back. He doesn’t care about body count anymore. I never once asked that question to anyone in my life either because I don’t judge people on their past. He’s just not happy that I lied about them sending sexual stuff but I never wanted that. I told him about the most recent one but I never said the first guy sent stuff cuz I didn’t find it purposeful. I’m broken from it.
Ask him if he could trust you again if you deleted your tiktok and IG accounts. And then delete them.
Or if you don’t wish to do that, and want to keep making money from followers, then your guy is saying that’s his boundary to protect his heart.
You can’t control what your followers will send to you. If he’s not ok with that, then your choice seems to be him or the extra money, but not both. That sucks and it hurts, but it also means that having both was never really a possibility.
I deleted my TikTok already without him asking and he said TikTok isn’t the problem. He’s upset that they sent sexual stuff back. I wasn’t expecting it. I don’t care for the money, I never knew how it would hurt him and I couldn’t care less for money, even if I had 2 cents in my account. I care about him a lot. He thinks I will unintentionally hurt him again.
He’s punishing you for things other people did. They sent things to you, that’s not a choice you made, and you even blocked them after it happened. Instead of comforting you for being sent unwanted graphic sexual imagery, he is instead choosing to make it about himself and his feelings. Doesn’t sound like a great guy to me.
The first guy I might have entertained back for money (he spoke German so I had to translate every sentence ) so I can’t even remember what I said but I did say I wanted the money now and we spent three days arguing about it and then I blocked. Then I told him haha the photos were fake u idiot and he said the same and I said idgaf about ur photos and blocked. My boyfriend is obviously upset about it. I never wanted any photos. I felt bad for the third time cuz I gave my Instagram to someone because they said they’d help with $ and asked for my Instagram and then told me to sent pics of me and I said it’s on my Instagram I’m not sending anything and then they sent a dick pic and said “like this” or something and I said ew and blocked.
Once again, none of that is specifically your fault, and as I said in another comment, you would do well to come to terms with your own behavior and choose to either change it for yourself, or become comfortable with yourself.
Sex work is work. Sexting for money is a job. Just like being a Bikini Barista or a stripper, and so on. There isn’t and should be no shame in it. If you are able to leverage your looks for income, you also deserve a partner who is comfortable with that. Your current “partner” is not.
I strongly advise you to become more comfortable with yourself and find someone who is similarly comfortable with you. It will hurt to lose this boy, but you will find more mature men out there who won’t fall apart in the face of this.
Thanks, I understand this. I never sent anything of myself, so I saw it more as “help” or a “scam” as I was sending fake nudes of the internet. I know many people do this with their boyfriends to make money. He didn’t like it which I get because we have to respect each other’s boundaries and I don’t care about the money anymore. I don’t know how to win him back. What hurts me a lot is that we met up to talk about it, hugged in bed for a while, told him let’s talk and he didn’t want to but we had sex and cuddled and did everything all night and the next day before leaving is when he said it. I feel like this isn’t fair
That’s because it isn’t. He still used you for sex even though he was “upset” about it. He got what he wanted out of the equation. Please understand he is not actually treating you well and you deserve better. He strongly reeks of a person who thinks women should be pure innocent flowers (a lie) while men should be able to rack up a body count without judgment. It’s a twisted double standard. If he was actually upset about it, why did he stay with you all night, having sex and cuddling? Because he selfishly wanted to get something out of it, and then went on to punish you for your own choices. It is incredibly unfair to you. Please, please, please understand that hurt you feel is because he chose to hurt you not because you chose to hurt him.
You deserve so much better.