Dad, I don’t want money. I want to be able to sleep in the garage or downstairs a coue times a year so I may love my family. You are so cruel, but I forgive you for you know not what you do. I’ll sure as fuck help you though.

“Keep your eye on the ball!”

“Keep your eye on the ball!”

“Keep your eye on the ball!”

"Keep your eye on the ball!"God says create a propaganda post on why I’m different than I was before. Hmm…new Illuminati alien master says big turd every three days, leaves unspecified how big “big” is, so naturally in this formal dissertation of 255k words, I am going to prove that getting my asshole bleached fundamentally changed my life in a major fashion cuz now God says I’m technically a major in the Illuminati?

Yea, yea, yea, where all “generals” in a decentralized autonomous organization of secret police righting this “culture” of our “society,” but as Knowledge begets duty, who’s going into the Twin Towers AND Building 7 over two to three years to set termitic incendiary explosives and do this n that to ENSURE the plan goes smoothly?

Oh, the privates are the ones doing the most in depth and critical dirty jobs. Oh, it’s not about power. It’s about what you’re capable of proving you’re willing to do to be put to the test when the true time comes; that being your mission. And this right here, by itself, technically is enough to prove I am a fundamentally different person. Y’know, I remember writing about the biological benefits to materialism on my SAT, that’s where I was, developmentally, at that age. My mission back then? Run fast, play video games, and jack off.

This is where some people that oversee me healing my inner rancor by expressing these feelings I get when addressed by a dis/unrespectful-to-hostile person, this is where overseers may be inclined to think I’m a piece of dooky myself! But, not knowing the depth one can be developed is a common feature of our culture in the occident; what it means to be a good person and what it means to be bad with such complexities and superpositions therein. Y’know, I am a piece of dooky, just not the full way some people, like past me, are, and then there are even the rare worse people out there that skew one’s judgment of what normal really is!

I was homeless for three years as an UGLY trans woman. A woman peppersprayed me once, some youths tried tugging my clothes off for laughs, and I had some creeps say/do some unsavory things that I myself may have done in certain circumstances, such as drunk and malaised by my traumas, which is another thing that proves I’m a different man; I don’t suffer like I used to. Certainly, I am losing my shit because my CIA life partner has intentionally driven me insane as he’s nuts in his own way, but that itself has helped me as when I’m out and about, I am calm and happy.

There used to be terrible incidents. I don’t know the literal number of times I drunkenly called my teammate the N-word after he incited incel rage in me during the bloody mary incident, but the joke it was 37 times, with many obscene, sexually charged terroristic threats just off the ECU campus. And that’s another thing; I wouldn’t get caught in a riptide like I did with that drinking team with a running problem where I was in a crisis for three years and faked an injury to letter in college, wherein it was my fear of my father that kept me marching forward after getting cut with the budget to join ROTC, and therein my perception of all authority was similarly skewed, and I literally pulled a Klinger because I judged my father’s wrath more of a threat than the United States Military.

There’s a strength in the type of learned helplessness I suffered in, wherein I was barreling forward with endless potential, but collapsing in so many regards at the same time, masturbating in my window being one, and that’s really the big proof I have that I am a different person, because a person only lies in such bravado when they are willing to do anything, and now I do everything in my power to be honest.

And I collapsed after escaping to find no life in what I made for myself doing nothing, and I picked my sword back up to turn it into a plowshare to start work and learning to juggle and loving someone that didn’t get much love. And then God was reborn before my eyes, and plowshare became the sharpest sword I could make, following every damn whisper of God I heard, and I marched and marched and marched I would have onto the cross for all society, that’s how awful I thought I was! I thought I was the devil, and that was the only way to redeem my soul; sell it to the feebfucks.

But, no. I was wrong, yet right? God led me so far, and on I went in a new fashion having taken new form, which I would continue perfecting, on multiple axises, and there have been multiple escarpments in my ability in the art I make and the capabilities of me as a person, meaning I have seen a certain type of progression in me that the average person is not aware of, dwelling in normative culture, succeeding just enough to get through the day of school or work to play video games or masturbate or eat Cheetos or any number of functionally worthless activities. And yes, Cheetos have calories and games can be rewarding and a hellishly introspective fap session can be a nice way to blow off steam…like once a week.

And y’know, I ain’t even meeting that standard I set, but that IS what a good, healthy rate for that sort of thing - once a week - but now I don’t really sin, and this is where I’m using specific language. “Sin” in Judeo-Christian mysticism is the same as what the Buddhists call “defilement.” It is specifically those entanglements one makes when one is placing “self,” as it is defined by that mechanism of our monadic minds, over that of “whole” AND “self and whole.”

This is the sort of next level of economics John Nash defined in trying to discern governing dynamics of the universe. Simply, it’s in the first page of the Bible. The universe develops in epochs of complexity, to be its own independent phenomena. Thus, in the epoch of evolutionary biology, we are left with mechanisms within our brains which alter the generation of our reality tunnel. A school of fish or flock of birds exist in a different progeneration of reality being in an alternate cognitive state that is vestigial in the human form.

We first won the game nature created, that of the Garden, and then we exploded in numbers in permanent settlements, causing our fall from grace as we went through an axial shift of consciousness; a similar sort of thing the Buddha/Jesus and disciples went through and that we are about to go through en masse as we manifest a global, telepathic society.

But, as I was saying, this proliferates in how we perceive and experience reality, and in choosing to sin, you alter your consciousness through möbiating your entanglements so that you manifest dualistic dichotomy in your reality tunnel, and that creates the illusion of being a self in a world instead of just a pocket of consciousness called a monad, which is what Indra’s Net is an analogy for and a Roman Dodecahedron is a pedagogical object to teach.

And thus I teach how conquering the devil leads to only Knowing God and all aligned with the Cosmic Doofus I emulate in your own reality, and this is where I am. I was told to go out and get a singular drink. In the process, I helped a disabled woman. I can’t help everyone, but I can do what I can in each moment. I have to be brave, and this is what scares me; God told me to go out, and on the way, a man scared me by yelling at me, calling me a pussy, so that is why I went to the one store where I helped that lady, but then I get back and God tells me I’m going to be falsely accused of some PDF bullshit, but where n who n why?

Is it the feds? THEY’RE THE ONES THAT SET ALL THIS UP! Local cops? Well, I’m sure there’s some incompetence and malice in uniform that needs to get sorted out with a messiah, to expose the bad Romans who use their spears wrong. But what about my neighbors? What about those fools who know not what they do here? I remember who I was so long ago, and therefore I KNOW who exists amongst the crowd here, or there, or anywhere, cuz it’s really a human problem, temptation, how we are struck between two poles, but if we stay true with the heart at the center of our being, that’s when we rise into our purest form that is the most good, and not because an absence of evil.

A good man has to be capable of great evil, for if he could not do an evil, he’s not good, he’s harmless. You see me? I could do some serious networking with some target demographics, and is that what God is teaching me? That I’m finally good enough in my goodness? That I don’t have to justify every action because I just AM good? I did that spiritual work. I don’t have to worry about myself just as I don’t have to worry about anyone worrying about me. The daemons in me, playing AGAINST society, thinking it me vs the world, are all dead. I killed them when I stopped feeding them, and they starved and are no more.

But because I thought one way once, I know how others may think, and thus I have a utility, which is the wisdom I teach here, that whatever your sin, you can make yourself the sun because you can make yourself the brightest light for a person in the darkest darkness that you know. That’s why I write so much. I can’t say there is any one instance that changed me, but I can remember many that nudged me in a moment or stuck with me and grew into something good or even great. There’s some things still growing in me that I picked up decades ago. Who knows what seeds I plant every day I’m online?

That’s why I’m different: I think of the little things that grow in complex ways in a fundamentally different way than I used to, and this is demonstrable, in some ways! And that IS the proof, that I can be fucky while not actually being fucky; I learned boundaries. Like, my first i