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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-02 04:01:03+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/athrowawayfordayz & u/ThrowRAkimbeck

ADVICE: I broke up with a guy because his best friend is a female

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: harassment

Original Post - rareddit June 14, 2020

Hi Reddit, this is a bit long so bear with me please.

So I started seeing this new guy, “Beck”, a couple weeks ago. I had known him for awhile before we began dating. He is really sweet and awesome and the first three dates we went on went amazingly and I really enjoyed being with him.

Here’s the problem: He has a very close friend, “Kim”, who seems to constantly be in the picture.

During date #4 he talked about her a lot. Like a lot, a lot. She was somehow the topic of every conversation and when I would try to change topics he’d always find his way drifting back to a memory the two of them shared together. Granted, they grew up together, and also dated at some point so it would make sense that they would have lots of memories and chemistry.

He also began telling me the trip the two of them are planning to take, how they were taking her car, staying at her family’s house, etc.

I tried to ignore it at first and just let it go, because I too have a close friend of the opposite sex but we NEVER do anything like what they do. Our relationship is platonic and the most we ever do is play xbox together.

I asked him to be my date to my brothers wedding since I had a plus one (This was after about 2 weeks of dating) and he declined, saying he had already made plans on that day to go bowling with some friends. But after I spoke with a mutual friend of ours, I found out she was going to be there and that they had set it up together.

I was thinking of it for awhile, and the more I thought of it, the more it bugged me.

So on our last date, I said I didn’t want to pursue a relationship anymore. He was confused because I had been acting “normal” up until this point. He asked me why and I told him. I said “I’m sorry but it makes me uncomfortable how close you are with Kim, you talk about her a lot and she seems to be a big part of your life, and since we are not official and I would not try and tell you what to do, I’m just gonna walk away because it makes me uncomfortable.”

He DID NOT take it well. Said I was “giving him an ultimatum” and “trying to force him to choose” and that i was being manipulative. I insisted that I just wasn’t okay with it and did not want to date someone who had that kind of relationship with someone who wasn’t their girlfriend. We WERE NOT officially bf/gf and I felt that I needed to break things off early before shit hit the fan.

Well, I got an uber home because I didn’t want him to drive me(he was fuming). and later that evening I get a text from a number I don’t recognize.

Can you guess who it was? Yup. Kim. Kim texted me a paragraph about how Beck was crazy about me and she thinks I’m wrong for judging her when I haven’t even met her, and how I hurt him and was being manipulative.

I responded saying I did not judge her at all, just that the nature of their relationship did not sit well with me and I wanted to end things before they got complicated. She responded saying that I need to give him another chance and that maybe me and her should meet so that I can see that she isn’t a threat and we could even be friends.

I didn’t respond to her, and shortly after, his mom and my mom texted me telling me I’m overreacting. It’s amassed into a much bigger deal than I had thought it would be. I don’t want to be with him or even try again because of how dramatic I feel that everyone is being.

I’ve repeatedly been accused of being “insecure” among other things and I literally cannot believe that It’s blown up like this.

I’m not an insecure person, I just got a really bad vibe from the situation and didn’t want to be apart of it.

Am I wrong for this? Should I give him another chance? Should I talk to this girl?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Gonebabythoughts

Trust your gut. You were an adult here, stated your case, and then everyone else presumed to tell you what you should do.

Fuck them. This is not even about Kim being the main heroine in Beck’s life anymore. You were standing up for yourself and clearly stating that you were uncomfortable. It’s not a trick or game.

I think you did everything right here, and you should block all of these people (except your mom) and let things cool off a bit. If it comes up again, you can say that if you felt it was off before, their bullying behavior after you made your point further reinforced that this wasn’t right for you

OOP

I really feel bad because he was a super great guy and seemed to really like me too. I’ve had some tough luck with relationships and I really wanted to stay with him, but she bothered me too much. A part of me wants to try but I know it’s stupid and I’ll just end up getting hurt.

~

MasquedCurio

tbh you did the right thing, you were honest and up front, and you walked away. if anything they’re being manipulative and trying to make you engage in a relationship that you find uncomfortable. some people may think it’s stupid or rude or wrong, but at the end of the day dating is discriminatory and you have the right to reject anyone for any reason. it’s a manipulative and honestly rapey attitude for someone to try to make you stay, and recruit their friend to try to coerce or intimidate you. so, good for you for leaving. you aren’t in the wrong. hopefully they’ll leave you alone. if you need someone to chat with or vent to, feel free to send me a message, i’m happy to help if i can.

OOP

“rapey” may be a tad overkill but i see your point. It hurt to leave cos I really really liked him. I valued his friendship a lot but as a S/O I knew we wouldn’t last. It really pissed me off when he told her about it. Even during our conversation she brought up things that I know I had only told him, so that leads me to believe he’d been confiding in her about our relationship which in a way is rapey because it makes me feel violated. Just can’t believe it ended this way

~

Vanquiisher

You are NOT wrong, I’m not a jealous type, but when I see behaviours like blaming it on you to feel a certain way I know there’s is something to be careful with.

Kim shouldn’t have texted you, by doing that she is giving away how she and Beck don’t have any kind of healthy and normal boundaries. If you accept to give him a chance, there is a high chance this is going to be the dynamic: Every time you fight with Beck, Kim is going to intervene. Every time Beck doesn’t like something about you, Kim is going to know. Every time you disagree on something with Beck, Kim is going to agree and they will let you know that. Every time anything happens between you and Beck, Kim is going to be there.

I would say a big no to this and you are in your right to be careful, no one wants drama at the start of a relationship and the most important thing about this is the fact that he and she think you are being manipulative when the only thing you are doing is just walking away from a relationship you already see is going to be problematic. You are being careful and I’m sorry your mother can’t see it. You are NOT in the wrong on this, Beck should be aware how dangerously close his friend is to him and has to aknowledge that that is going to be a problem with future dates. He doesn’t seem to know this and you are not going to make him understand that.

If he is really “crazy about you” then he should be able to listen to you instead of blaming all this on you being “insecure”. I can tell you are not an insecure person, but this situation DOES MAKE ANYONE BE INSECURE. You don’t know him well yet, of course there is going to be something to be insecure about, specially if a friend who also is his ex is THAT CLOSE to him. Is not normal at all. There is something there they both are not accepting.

Hope this helps, If I were you, I still would try to meet this Kim so I can be 100% sure

OOP

Thank you. I really just felt so nervous about the whole thing. I kept telling myself I was overthinking it all and it was fine but my gut told me otherwise.

I only got texted by Kim, he never even texted me. Not until days later to ask if I had found a new wedding “date” (which i have!) and i told him and he never responded.

I might meet with Kim, but in a public place and I guess i’ll just listen to what she has to say. I see no point in it tho so i’m undecided.

UPDATE: I broke up with a guy because his best friend is a female - rareddit June 15, 2020

Firstly, WOW! this post blew up on me more than my family did. So thank you guys! I figured I’d post an update with the proper account name so it …

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