So… if you’ve kept up with my previous ditherings, then you know that I’m trying to help an elderly friend (“Calvin”) in my place hang on to what’s his. Me, I’ve known him for ~12yrs, but, really… that doesn’t matter. More like if I can possibly help someone, then that’s how that works, even if I wind up neglecting my favorite blog / community. Community!
But man, this shit has been a trial. For real.
I mean, for one, this funny guy evidently didn’t pay his electric bill for a godamn year And every time I talk to him about that now, I keep reminding him to pay his bill and fix his service, naturally. Me, I’ve tried contacting The Illuminating Company myself, but so far it seems that you have to be the actual approved phone# / acct# in order to access even the simplest of details about a person’s account. Eh, okay.
I’m just worried in general, tho.
Me and a friend did a whirlwind grand-cleansing of his apt for the upcoming annual inspections, but what’s that going to matter if he gets kicked out due to not paying his rent, you know? (even though he has the money?)
It’s just bloody-hell ridoinkulous.
And yes, every verdammt day I talk to him and beg him to take care of this stuff, and he says “yes, sure I will,” and then he does nothing.
It’s just… I’m not sure how to better describe this complete mess. It’s almost like Cal’s got this passive-aggressive need to take down anyone who cares about him.
I’m just lost, honestly, and my stress levels are through the roof. I really don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do, here.
(sorry about my language, above…)
EDIT: FFS, he’s 75yo. He’s not 90yo. All of this would make more sense if Cal was 90yo…
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Quick reply from me… I’ve left lemmy and most socials behind, but sparsly come here to lurk bc of the good content.
Yet topics you touch on here cross my previous (current?) field of work so I thought I’d drop my 2ct anyway.
I’d say a good starting point is actually what Calvin actually wants. Did you have clear conversations about that? or did you make assumptions? Bc a lot of helpers (me included) tend to skip that step or just assume they took it.
To prove my point, let’s take a step back and acknowledge that your frustrations are legit and deserve acknowledging. It would drive me mad too to be in your shoes. Maby you’re not even posting this to ask for help, but just to vent. (see how easy it is to make assumptions on that ^^")
Now comes the less fun part. Please, please! make sure you take care of yourself before you take care of him. I know all to well how much easier it is to be there for someone else (ask me how I became a mental health worker…). It’s all to easy to overexert yourself helping someone who might not even be ready to be helped. Either way, there’s no point in being there for Calvin if you end up collapsing under the stress.
Now I get that losing your house or even your power is a big f-ing deal, and it’s not something I’d wish on anyone. Based on where you live there might be organizations that can support in cases like these. Either governmental, or in the form of peer-support groups. Also uniting the network around a person can do a ton, both in results achieved as well in spreading the load. Assuming there are others of course. If you can’t find anything locally, there are also some pretty active communities on Reddit, maby Lemmy too, that function as support groups.
Finally; I’m sorry you’re in such a shite situation, and I hope you’re taking care of yourself as much as you’re taking care of him. I hope everything will work out in the end.
Edit: not so quick reply after all. >.< sorry for the rambling
Thanks; good advice and I appreciate it. <3
Eh, you know what?
I don’t think you’re quite as horrible a goblin as some say you are! ^^Shh, don’t tell anyone ;)
You can’t help somebody who won’t help themselves, and you shouldn’t sacrifice anything of yourself to do so.
If the dude has money to pay bills and just doesn’t… Then he’s beyond your help.
If the dude has money to pay bills and just doesn’t…
That’s a strong possibility IMO.
It’s so wild, though. I mean, he orders all these packages, and even just a couple weeks before all this, he had me over to watch an excellent Scottish police-detective series (“Vera”) that was super-clever and really cool stuff IMO.
That’s not some McHale’s-Navy type shizzle, you know?
My point is: Cal’s NOT mailing it in. In fact he’s quite sharp at 75yo, which brings me to…
*&@$#
I don’t get it.Like, what is his strategy here…?
So in a few weeks, I’m going to watch a good friend of mine’s belongings get tossed in the trash, and there’s nothing I can do about it…?
So ridiculous… yet here we are?
I´m sorry to hear that and hope he will pay on time. Maybe he has mental issues that keep him from doing it?
Actually Nackty, I think I have some of Cal’s disease-- like maybe we kinda keep losing hope and get increasingly paranoid upon paying?
Me, for example… I don’t know why… but there were times when I didn’t pay my bills for 2-3mos, and I was just screaming at myself. I mean, why, why… WHY?
That’s a rough situation to be in mate, it sounds like you are doing all that can be done. Do you know if he’s been fine up until recently or has always been like this? Just from the few I’ve known closely around that age it is possible that cognitive degeneration can sneak up relatively undetected. Often it initially only affects limited aspects and is fairly easy for people to mask and present as typical.
Appreciate that, mate.
Cal’s still reasonably sharp IMO, but he’s just less & less able to conduct himself around. Like, when your legs go, that’s the thing?!
