I don’t know where to communicate this but i feel like i need to, somewhere. This is my unordered, unfiltered thoughts.

What can i do? I feel lonely love-wise. I am a mid 30s hetero cis man in a european city. Tall and good looking, my many friends of all genders say i am a really good guy, always friendly, very heartful and they can’t believe i am still single. But to that i must say dating life has been rough most of my life. Pretty sure i am bad at it. But dating itself is just bad. In this game, almost everybody sucks. I get ghosted by 90%. You can never tell which one it is going to be. Could be a stranger or the friend of a friend. Could be the cold one or the one who was flirting hard. I am absolutely clueless.

If i keep trying, I get lucky like 1-2 times a year. But it costs so much energy. I can’t carry so many convesations anymore. And even if we smash, after a short time the lonelyness comes back. I mean i am able to go out, talk to people, and all. I am an extrovert too. But i can’t always have the good mood that helps a conversation. I just went out and didn’t feel right with my emotions and went back home.

It seems to me, that i have a much bigger desire for love, sex, emotions than others. That is the only constant drive of my life.

I’d prefer a long relationship, but most women i meet don’t qualify for that.

tl

A short fling is awesome, not gonna lie, I’d take it any time. But thats secondary. I am honest about it. As soon as i realize where things might be going i offer to talk about stuff like that. I had some really good longer relationships. The last one was 7 years. We are still very good friends but the love was gone. Thats 3 years ago.

I admid i have really high standards. She must have some character, something interesting about her, a nice body and must be a non-smoker. And it helps very very much if she shows the slightest interest in me. I don’t mind her size, hair color, ethnicity, job, or whatever people seem to keep asking for. Tried dating here and there below those standards but that always went nowhere. One girl was a conservative and as soon as i realized, i was gone immediately. She didnt hate people, but also she didint care about certain problems in the world.

The last time a girl said she was in love with me and wanted to get serious, she said the only way was when i worked really hard for a career to get financially rich. She thought i was poor when i didn’t want to pay every time we go out. Too bad cause she was a really good lover when we just stayed home. She said other bullshit things too. Told her thats a hard no and detoxed from her. That was more than a year ago.

I even tried some dating events in the city but they made me feel horrible. Went to those like 8 times or so and …apologies in advance, the word scrag-end defines it well.

I never tried a prostitue and i don’t think i will. What i crave is the part you can’t buy with money. Also how will you be able to tell if she really wants to do this job? She may be coerced to do it.

Valentines day comes and i don’t even know who to ask out. And i was there last year too. That really hurt.

tl

Went out dancing with friends instead. Got a number of a really cute girl. Then she kissed another guy and never answered my text. So the next night i talk to another girl at a party. She initiated the convo and seemd interested. So we sit down, drink, talk to a bunch of people. But everybody leaves except for one guy. Never mind, i go back to dancing where she shows up asking me: “do you like men?” i say “no i only like women”. She said “so do i”. Then i realized she only tried to hook me up with that one guy that kept sitting with me before. Ouch. ok. Which reminds me: i get hit on by men all the time. I don’t mind but they can’t fill the whole in my heart. Sorry they are not on my radar and often i didn’t even notice until friends told me it was happening.

edit: forgot to say i do get huge crushes on women, where i am sure they could be the one. Like a friend i thought she was perfect. Got to meet here and there and i feel vague interest from her. We event went to the sauna together. But then she fell in love with an other guy and now rarely texts back. Its a good example of how i often can’t tell if they like me or if it is just friends stuff. I must be the friends zone guy of the world. I don’t even mind the friendzone. I am happy if things turn out well for them. It just happens way too often and then contact fades away and i never know if there ever was a chance i didn’t grab or if we never even flirted.

Anyway i digress. I feel lonely and trying to date sometimes makes me aware of it. I can take a break and distract myself with hobbies or work but that costs time and i find myself at the same situation motnh after month, year after year.

And now what?

Thanks for listening to my incoherent crap. I appreciate any help!

  • TankovayaDiviziya@lemmy.worldEnglish
    2·
    13 days ago

    I don’t know, maybe try going to therapy and try to resolve the root cause of your loneliness and uncertainty. I’m in kinda in the similar boat. I don’t get as much dates and flings as you do, I’m not bad looking either, but there are girls who expressed interest in me. They flirt with me and I flirt back. I know they want me to ask them out, but because I still have emotional baggage, I don’t go further than simple flirting. My friends are thinking I should settle down. I think at this stage I feel like I have to, but I still want to enjoy my freedom. So, when there comes a point that I get the urging feeling to ask the girl out, I have a contradictory nagging feeling that I may have to lose that freedom, and I nope out. Besides, even if I want to fully settle down, I want to go back home to my city. But since I moved out and if I meet a woman in my current city, it could be tough to convince her to move because moving is a big and daunting change to some.

    We event went to the sauna together

    She was definitely into you.

    i never know if there ever was a chance i didn’t grab or if we never even flirted.

    This is my take, you can take it or leave it. I think improving the flirting skills is key. Without being creepy, simple compliments like admiring her clothing and showing of caring and appreciation will do wonders and you can take it from there. Simple teases and joking in flirting manner would keep the interest going and signal interest. But as you already experienced, time is of essence. I know, despite progress in gender equality, men are still kinda expected to make the actual move of asking out. Women give signals, men are expected then to take the lead. But being sure about intentions is important for both parties.

    • anonklay@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      2·
      12 days ago

      She was definitely into you.

      I asked her and she said this was not a date. From then on she didn’t find the time to meet longer than a lunch break anymore. Except one time when we were going to party in a group and she brought her date.

      The way you describe flirting works for me too.

      • sometimes it does not work: she is not interested. It is good to know this earlier than later.
      • sometimes it works, we flirt, but she says no to a meet, says she has a boyfriend, etc. She was only in for a flirt but not more. If i get her number, it often leads to ghosting. Even when you were about to meet in her city. 😕
      • sometimes she wants to meet but we don’t vibe / find out we are not meant to be. Thats cool. Some things you only know after a clear talk.
      • sometimes it all just works on its own. Flirt, date, all in a nice flow. We continue and see how far we can get it.

      The first three can easily take up an entire year, consuming the time and energy i have. And the 4th one does not lead into a relationship often.

      So i find myself back at the beginning, wondering.