It is not easy for me to write that dark part of my past down. But I think I need to it so I can finally move on and be a better person.

(TW: mental abuse, death threats, death)

When I was in the third grade a new student came to our class. She were from another school and had no friends. And in the few weeks she still had not got any. Mostly because of her unussual behaivior. She were loud and acted mostly like a little child. She also used to break down in class whitout(for the most of us) a good reason to do so.

After some time I and her talked a bit with each other. That was when I realized that she is actually very kind when you open up to her. But the more we spent time with each other, the more I saw more of her behavior. And because of that I felt I have the right to mistreat her and abuse my position. Between us two there were a clear balance of power. I were the only “friend” she really had and I knew she would always come back. The most time I also only spent with her because I wanted to keep a good bond with her father. Her father was a huge manga freak so he gave some of them to me so I can also read them.

I think everyone with a clear mind would have noticed that she really used to have mental problems but this still did not stop me. And the fact that she still trusted me makes everything worse. knew alsmost everything about her. I knew about her abusive mother, her dead brother, the reason why she changed schools and so on.

I was not a horrible person to her all the time but this does NOT change the fact that I abused her mentally. I knew she would come back, I knew no one would believe her no matter what she said. So she became my punching back for my bottled up emotions.

I think the peak of my abuse was when I actually threated her to kill her whenever I was mad. I used to take out my scissors so many times. And still she saw me as a friend and even tried to help me. She actually cared about me but I did not care. And my hard family situation at that time is not an exscuse for the things I have done to her.

Later our situation calmed down but I am sure that the things I did still left deep wounds inside her heart. When we all changed schools we both did not hang out with each other again. She found a bunch of new friends and I hope that they are real friends. Not people like me.

Now everything I feel when I look back is regret. She was a lovely girl who believed in the good of peoples hearts. I could always count on her. She was careful and respected everyones feelings. She was way too kind and a person I never deserved.

I wish I could go back and make everything different. But I cannot. I am not here to ask for your forgiveness or even sympathy.

When you see a “friendship” like this please do NOT stay silent. These people might need you more than you think.

(This post is posted in “Radqueer” since I do not know which community fits for this)