The following was an April Fool’s Joke:

Greetings shareholders! Every month we hold a meeting where we discuss the health of the company and demonstrate that we are actively seeking to grow the pecuniary value of your investment. We make numbers go up by leveraging weakness in the institutions whose contributions have a positive effect on metrics of health, stability, and world happiness. At SLRPNK, we pride ourselves at being “disruptors,” by which I obviously mean we disrupt the moral and ethical norms that apologists for capitalism believe binds its capacity for harm, and do so in search of new sources of short-term profit.

Welcome SLRPNK.net’s new Sponsor: NeoNicotineXt

We’re excited to juice our 2nd quarter stock price with this big announcement: SLRPNK has a new advertising partner!

NeoNicotineXt (N-NeXt) is the newest generation of sythetic-nicotine-based pesticide, following the footsteps of imidacloprid, clothianidin, and thiamethoxam. These neonicotinoid products are extremely addictive to farmers because they are so effective at killing non-mammal animals that interact with treated plants, are inexpensive, and extremely easy to use. Neonicotinoids, or neonics, can be sprayed at the base of a stalk or tree, and the plant will become toxic to not only invertebrates like aphids, worms, and honeybees, but birds and fish as well. N-NeXt contains the deadly chemical group common to other neonics, but is enhanced with the same surfactants used in Roundup that were also catastrophic to local ecosystems.

This is likely to be a long and lucrative partnership. If you’re familiar with pesticide history, Roundup was put on the market in 1974, but it wasn’t until 2018 when all of the cancer lawsuits caused the stock to tank. Neonics first came out in the 1990s, and several new neonics formulations come to market every decade, making cause and effect determinations not legally actionable. Ecosystem collapse is much more difficult than cancer to pin on a single cause, and woodland creatures don’t hire lawyers. With environmental protection agencies gutted all over the world, N-NeXt is cleared to hit record profits for several decades.

But let’s be clear, neonics do play a major role in ecosystem collapse not only by poisoning the soil and water, killing insects, birds, and fish indiscriminately, but also by extinguishing the food source for birds, fish, and mammals. Neonics are particularly lethal to honeybees, who are responsible for pollinating 80% of all flowering plants. This new stuff is formulated to take out even bats, so N-NeXt can wipe 99% of natural pollinators. Eating an apple from a tree sprayed with N-NeXt gives the same nicotine dosage as smoking a pack of cigarettes. But growing semi-edible food is an unintended side-effect of this product. First and foremost, N-NeXt was designed from the ground up to sap the foundations of ecosystems and drive complex life to extinction. This is great news – the marketing droids at N-NeXt claim the impotent outrage of environmentalists is a key feature in in getting the word out to industrial farm purchasing departments that N-NeXt is the most effective neonic on the market.

Naturally, this is super bad news for people who expect edible fruit to magically appear on trees. We don’t need trees, pick fruit from a supermarket shelf like a normal person. Capitalism depends on exponential growth, and exponential growth can’t continue forever. It was only a matter of time before it consumed all of the natural world. If we didn’t do it, somebody else would.

Most people have an easier time imagining the end of the world than the end of capitalism. That lack of imagination is the foundation of our wealth. Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if there was a political alternative that didn’t end in human extinction? But if capitalism ends the world, who will be left to judge us?

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Introducing NeoNiko, the Dead HoneyBee!

NeoNiko is N-NeXt’s cute and cuddly mascot, to let everyone know that N-NeXt’s formulation of neonicotinoid is the best at killing pollinators. We’re adding NeoNiko to some of SLRPNK’s branding to celebrate our partnership.

The art is simple and iconic, and naturally N-NeXt will sue anyone for copyright infringement who adapts it, memes it, and shares it in an unflattering context. So please do not do anything creative with the N-NeXt corporate logo, mascot, or marketing message.

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💹 Adding Value to SLRPNK.net (by extracting it like the infinite natural resource it is)🫰

We’ve noticed that the SLRPNK userbase has been growing at an exponential rate, which got our investors almost as excited as that time a Corporate militia opened fire on striking miners during the Ludlow Massacre!

In collaboration with N-NeXt, we’ve devised new ways of creating unprecedented value and features for you, the user, while ensuring we remain mindful of every income level, because we care.

We’re proud to announce a new and exciting way of interacting with the site based around an easily understandable (and exploitable 🤤) tiered monthly subscription, which happens to require the use of our new Neoni-kions™, available for purchase NOW in oddly indivisible bundles of 11, 33, or 66, ensuring you’ll always have a fun little remainder no matter how you spend them, which we’re really excited about!

At the 10 Neoni-koins/month ‘Poser’ Tier, you’ll unlock these incredible (previously entirely free) perks:

• View up to 100 posts per day (posts with images count as 2 posts viewed)
• Subscribe to up to 10 communities
• Downvote up to 50 posts/comments per day
• Create up to 1 post per week
• Pre-register a response or comment, which will unlock and initiate automatically when you up your monthly Token amount to the next tier

At 25 Neoni-koins/month ‘Do You Even Care?’ Tier, you’ll get:

• Comments unlocked! You can now leave a comment or reply, up to 5 times per day
• View up to 300 posts per day
• Subscribe to up to 30 communities
• Downvote up to 250 posts/comments per day
• Create up to 5 posts per week

Finally, at the 100 Neoni-koins/month ‘Yeah, That’s What I Thought 😤’ Tier:

• Upvotes Unlocked! 🤘 You can now spread goodwill instead of just bringing others down, available exclusively for our most dedicated punks (Limit 10 per day)
• Unlimited Post Views! 🥵
• Unlimited Subscriptions! 😱
• Unlimited Downvotes! 😈
• Unlimited Posts & Comments! 🤯

We know you’ll love these changes, because our focus group designed to extract as much value as possible without completely scaring you away told us so! On the wildly unlikely chance you have any concerns, check out this sweet pie chart of our projected profits:

But if you’re still worried, then by all means, feel free to send us a DM explaining your thoughts and suggestions on how we can improve. Any DM will automatically be printed in our corporate high rise office on the finest unethically sourced paper we could find, where it will fall, still warm from printing, directly into a conveniently placed paper shredder below. Your opinions matter to us. ☺️

^{20% of proceeds from Neoni-kions are automatically invested in industries supporting, and not limited to: Deforestation, Oil Drilling, Industrial Livestock Farming, and other Common Sense initiatives.}

SLRPNK Community Resources (soon to be paywalled):

Community Wiki

Movim Chat - Open to all members (use your SLRPNK login credentials)

Etherpad - Collabrative document editor

NeoNicotineXt does not exist as a corporate entity or product, though neonicotinoids do and are no joke. Art for NeoNiko and Neoni-koins are original, not owned by any corporation, and are licensed as CC-0 / public domain by the artist.

You’re welcome to discuss any topic related to this community, our infrastructure, or the Fediverse at large. If you’ve created a new community, this is a great thread to tell us about it. All comments will get extra visibility up until the beginning of next month.